S2 E012 | Flattering, Femininity & Fitting In

Melanie [she/her] (00:02)
Hello friends, welcome back to the Culture Of It All! This is episode number 12. As you can probably tell from today’s topic, we have a few F words to cover. And this is kind of where this whole entire series and the theme started. I was thinking a lot about the word flattering and that kind of led on to me thinking about femininity and fitting in. And I was like, you know what? There’s something here. And we’re to cover all of these today because they really all

just they’re all tangled up together and of course one of the big themes of these three things is fashion for me so we’re to talk about that as well today. So get cozy, get comfortable. A little life update, let me think what’s going on, we’re back to school. I feel like this week has been, this week has felt routine and comfortable because we finally have like a full week in school. Last week it was three days and I was just surviving.

No idea what day it was. Felt very confused. And we’ve definitely got busy, probably next seven to ten days, pretty busy week here. We’ve got Greyson is Karate grading on Saturday. Karate grading? He’s grading for Karate on Saturday. It’s his first grading. He started over the summer. So that’s going to be really fun. And just going be working with him so he’s not nervous. Like he’s going to be fine. I think especially this first grade.

they really want you to grade, which is really positive. It’s been, I think I’m going to do a whole episode or maybe a bonus talking about this experience because whilst I’m not doing the karate, being a parent in a larger body of a kid who himself would say that he doesn’t enjoy sports, it’s been really fascinating to watch. also just being me being quite awkward socially. It’s been really interesting.

so many feelings and thoughts with that one so I’m gonna definitely talk a little bit about that whether on a bonus episode or at some point here. But we have that, we have my mum’s big 70th birthday this coming week. I actually know a lot of people who have September birthdays. There used to be like four people in my family with September birthdays, it was a very busy time. So we have that coming up and we have to go visit high school in a couple of weeks. So yeah.

busy busy and I know it’s going to be October before I even blink, which I’m not complaining about at all. I have some plans for October. We are going pumpkin picking early on in the month. I convinced my friend that we have to do the first weekend in October because you know, we need to get our pumpkins early. And I haven’t been to this particular pumpkin patch for a number of years. So it’s actually near an American air base. So there’s often a lot of American

kind of sweet treats, cakes, desserts, things that you do not get here in the grocery stores. So that’s really fun. And they have stalls and stands. And again, a lot of very American themed kind of Halloween decor or Halloween knickknacks and things like that. So that’s gonna be fun. And we’re also considering doing Halloween drag again this year.

went last year, it was so much fun. I did it twice, twice last year? Yeah, I did Pride and then I went to the Halloween theme. This year the theme is Upside Down and I am a Stranger Things fan so I think we’re gonna do that. I’m planning out my Halloween costume and honestly it’s probably because it’s easy. I already have kind of everything but I need to try all the pieces on together and see if it works. I feel like I’ve already committed to it because I did buy one kind of accessory. So anyway.

That’s coming, I’ll be sharing that on socials. But yeah, just looking forward to this time of year. I’m sitting here, it’s chilly outside, and I’m wearing a cardigan and I’m just, yeah, I’m just happy. I’m happy that it’s finally feeling like fall. So again, thank you for joining me, because today we are going to be talking all about femininity, flattering, and fitting in, and how I reclaimed my passion for fashion, but being in a larger body.

Right? Reclaiming that passion in a larger body. And the reason I think this is important, as I said, because these three things, flattering, femininity and fitting in, they’re all so closely entwined in my personal journey. And I think for so many of us, we have many experiences growing up. If we’ve grown up in a larger body or if we’ve grown up being told that our body is too big, too much, that we need to be smaller. And I know this happens no matter what.

size your body is, right? All of us are affected by diet culture, whether we’re in small bodies or larger bodies, I understand that. But it’s the experience of those of us in larger bodies that I really want to focus on today. The experience of those of us who were in larger bodies from a young age especially, because that certainly impacted my relationship with myself, but also my relationship with things I really, really loved, and fashion is one of those, which you’ve probably gathered from a lot of what I share on if you follow me on Instagram.

Now, I do want to give a content warning straight from the top. We are going to be talking about loss of a parent and my personal experience of grief as a teenager. I’m not going to be getting into a huge amount of it, but it is a part of this. I’m not going to discuss what happened today. I may do an episode talking about it because it relates to something else that I’ve experienced in my larger body, but it is an important part of my story. But I know…

how I would feel going into an episode if this was a topic, depending on how I’m feeling that day. So just please, please, please, please, please take care of your mental health. You can always pause. I will give you like a little, hopefully if I remember, I’ll give you a little warning or future Melanie will give you a little warning in the editing process when we get to that point and I’ll make sure it’s in the show notes as a trigger warning. But you can always fast forward or you can skip this episode.

but please, please, please take care of your mental health first. So in addition to our content warning, I also want to just give a little bit of a disclaimer because as I said, we are talking about fashion. I want to acknowledge that whilst I have improved my relationship with my clothing size and been able to find clothes that I really love, this is because my body size still carries some privilege. This is not the case for the most marginalized of our fat communities. What I mean by that is…

Whilst I am in a larger body and my body is marginalized is the only thing really in my life that is – that affects how people treat me. And also I have noticed that I am probably in that, in most cases, that kind of top end of what stores tend to carry in sizing. That’s not across the board, that’s not every store.

Yes stores go above a size 24, 26, above a 2x, 3x, but and also what I have noticed is that the once you get above a size 24, 26 there is way less choice and so many stores do not even carry above a size 20 or 22 here in the UK in store, it’s only online.

So I just want to acknowledge that I know we are going to be talking about fashion. I do understand that this is probably more of an individual experience, but I also know there are many people out there who can benefit from this conversation. I also want to acknowledge that, you know, we can’t heal our relationship with clothes sizes if brands are just not making the sizes in the first place, right? If brands don’t make the sizes.

our sizes, plus sizes, above a size 2X, and actually a 2X, not a double XL, because a double XL is not the same as a 2X. But if brands do not make clothes in our sizes we cannot heal that relationship, in fact the relationship will just continue to falter. We can’t heal our relationship with clothes sizes if brands hide their plus size collections, right, whether it’s in the back of the store or they limit the stock that they carry in stores and only sell online.

Because that costs the fat community more money. We deserve better, right? We deserve better. There is a lot of bullshit in the fashion industry and sizing is a particular part of that. I know that clothing lines are often based on a sample size, usually a small size. This is the case even when we’re looking at high street stores. They still have a sample size. They still start with a sample of clothing before they create

the line or the collection and sizing is worked out from that sample size. It’s usually a small size, right? They simply take that small sample and they make it bigger. And this is just not how fat bodies work. We are not just a bigger size eight or a bigger size 10. We carry our weight in different places. Our shapes are different, right? Our shapes are unique. Our bodies are unique. And some of the brands who are making an effort like

Never Fully Dressed, Lucy and Yak, they actually use varying sizes or start their samples mid -size and then work outwards. I know that when I visited Never Fully Dressed last year, their store in New York, they had sample sizes that were like a size, probably like a size four or six. This is US sizing, a size US four or six. But they also had sample sizes in my size as a 24. So that was super interesting. And I’m not saying that they are fully size inclusive. They are not. And they are definitely a

higher price point, but these are just a couple of brands who are actually considering and thinking about how they create their collections and actually using various sample sizes rather than just a very small size. Lucy and Yak in particular think a lot about the structure of their items, making them a looser fit. They are generally a much more more casual brand. They make things from a looser fit. They fit… they’re more rare… is that…

They are more representative of plus sizes. That is what I was trying to say. They are more representative of plus sizes. And there are so many small businesses and brands doing the work, making the effort. There are brands in particular who I’ve shared before on the show and on social media who have always from day dots that has been part of their mission to be size inclusive. There are brands who are continuing to work to include more sizing in their t -shirt printing.

and dress sizes, things like that. They’re making the effort, which to me really just proves and kind of reinforces the fact that it’s just not about cost, right? It’s not about cost. Small businesses are able to make the effort. So big clothing brands do not care about fat people. They do not want our fat money. Hell, some plus size brands like yours clothing, Simply B and Torrid, to just name a few.

They don’t get it right either, right? They don’t get it right either. Do I still shop in all those places? Yes. Because as I’m going to touch on much later in this episode, we have to take what we’ve got, right? We have to take what’s possible and yeah, we’ll get into all of that later. But the numbers inside of our clothing, it really shouldn’t hold so much meaning. We shouldn’t be placing our value and worth as human beings in what size our pants are. But it’s really a bigger picture, isn’t it?

I think it comes back to the way the world views folks in larger bodies, the stigma, stereotyping and the anti-fat narratives associated with a certain size. And I’ve had such a negative relationship with clothing size most of my life. From going shopping with my mum in the only plus size store on the high street. It was so drab and so boring. just, you know, it was the nineties.

It was the only store that carried plus sizes. And I just remember like, being in this store and everything was very boxy and baggy and I love a baggy clothing now, but it was… Again, as a young person, shopping, just reinforced so many of the stereotypes that we see. From…

the underwear to the color of clothes and the shape of clothes. I remember looking at the models on the walls in the store and thinking, they don’t look plus size, they don’t look, they look different to the way the store is presented. And to be honest, I notice that still now. And what I can now recognize them as an adult is that these models are models and they

are in larger bodies, but they’re in the larger body that is still somewhat socially acceptable. They carry their larger body in places that allow them to look smaller than they maybe are, and that is why they’re models. So I’m able to see that now as an adult, but as a child it really confused me. You know, I was wearing adult clothes in high school and not fitting into the clothes

Top Shop and Miss Selfridge and Tammy Girl, which is a real throwback. I don’t think Tammy Girl even exists anymore. And I have wondered whether bigger sizes were available, like they definitely didn’t go above a size 16. But I wonder whether those bigger sizes were available, but I was too embarrassed to actually try them on, you know, because I didn’t want to admit what dress size I was. And I’m talking, I was like 11, 12, 13, like I was young person.

And at that age I already had this real shame about my body size. I grew up believing that a certain dress size was the ideal, that elasticated waists didn’t count when it came to like, setting a goal. And like so many of us, I was taught clothes should flatter my body. The first F word we’re gonna cover. Flatter my body. But that actually meant not too tight and not showing any of my perceived flaws.

You know, when I look back now as a parent myself, as an adult, I’m able to recognise that my adults in my life were doing their best. They were doing their best, they were doing what they thought was right, they were doing what had been taught to them.

And they using language that had been taught to them. But we can do better. Right? It was reinforced to me from a young age that my stomach and my arms and my skin and my rolls were flaws to be hidden. That I should want to hide them from people. That clothing should create this like illusion that my body isn’t what it actually is. And I carried that into adulthood. Right? I carried that into adulthood.

I took it with me, it became part of me, it became part of my life, it became a narrative, it was how I looked at clothing and how I looked at getting dressed. And it’s hard to process that now because I will often wear clothing that challenges these messages. You know, there’s been a long journey and healing relationship.

But I will now challenge that at times. I will wear cropped t -shirts. I will show my stomach shape. Not all the time, but I will. And I will proudly display my arms. And look, 12 year old Melanie refused to wear a black strappy dress without a cardigan to her 13th birthday. I remember scouring the stores to find a black cardigan. was, those like shrug cardigans were all the rage at that time.

that’s what I was looking for and I wanted a black one to go with my cardigan, to go with my dress and I wanted to wear that to my birthday. I refused to wear this like strappy dress at 13 or 12 without a cardigan. I refused to have my arms on the show. So look, we’ve come a long long way in 25 years.

And even though we’ve come a long way, I still struggle. There are still days when I talk about, I’ve talked about this before, where I want to dress safely, right? If I’m struggling with my body image or clothes shopping is just not going the way I planned it, I like to remind myself that we are not meant to fit the clothing. The clothing is meant to fit our bodies, right? They are meant to make clothes to fit our bodies.

So when something doesn’t fit, that isn’t our fault. It doesn’t mean that we need to change.

And where possible it means we may need to just buy a bigger size, or just buy something different. Like, I know it’s not that easy all the time, but this has been a huge piece of healing for me, is recognising that when I look at clothing, when I look at clothing online or in store, I spend time thinking about how it’s gonna fit and look on my own body.

And the only way I’ve been able to do that is also by really looking at my own body. Understanding how my body shape… how my body is shaped, how my body looks in clothes. And it’s, that has helped because by looking at myself and truly seeing me for what, who I am and not hating it, I’ve been able to heal.

The relationship I have with clothing, the relationship I have with when something doesn’t fit me, it’s not my fault. And it’s not your fault. It doesn’t mean you need to change who you are or your body because they’re supposed to make clothes to fit us.

The Cambridge Dictionary defines flattering as making someone look or seem better or more attractive than usual. Look, coming into this episode, I was kind of hopeful that we could reclaim the word flattering, that maybe there was a way that we could use it without it feeling like shit. But fuck me, that is clearly not possible because the idea that we are stating that someone is more attractive than usual just feels so disgusting, so

And listen, sometimes I see plus -size fashion influencers talk about a cut of a fabric being flattering, and I do understand what they mean, but it’s such a fine line, it’s such a murky, blurry space to exist in. If I catch myself thinking something is flattering or unflattering on my body, I will try and pause and be honest with myself about what

Flattering means in this context, right? What does it actually mean in this context? What am I seeing? And reframe it. I’ll get curious and ask myself, okay, how do I feel? How do I want to feel? Right, how do I feel and how do want to feel? Because I think that’s really important.

Do I like this outfit? Do I like this outfit? Not will someone else like this outfit, not will this outfit get compliments or whatever else it might be, but do I like it? I’ll also think about whether something in particular is holding me back and what it is.

I’ll also ask myself what is holding me back. This is particular if I’m trying to put an outfit together and I see it and my instant reaction is like, no. I will get curious, what’s holding me back? And the thing that’s holding you back, does it actually matter to me? Right? Is this, does this story belong to me? Is it mine? Is this my belief? Do I care? And I will, you know, try and figure that out and process it.

Also, does this outfit help me express myself? Does this outfit help me express myself? And I think this question is so important because how we want to express ourselves can differ from day to day. I think we all choose to express ourselves through our appearance. But that’s a very individual choice, right? It’s very individual and it differs from day to day.

And I think over the past few years I’ve learned that I don’t really have one particular style or one particular aesthetic or way of expressing myself. I do have a preferred colour palette and because that tends to be dark and spooky and very autumnal, I’ve struggled with self -expression during the warmer months. This came up with me and my coach last year. I struggle during the warmer months, not only because

I am a person in a larger body and I’m very, very hot and sweaty. And also when I don’t feel like I’m able to express myself, that can be really, really hard. And this is a key way of me doing that. So this year I spent a lot of time figuring out how I could still express myself, but stay cool, stay comfortable. And I think for the most part I’ve figured it out.

You know, a few years ago I watched a video that opened up a really big conversation for me around how we see ourselves versus others. I’ve spent a lot of time in self -reflection thinking about it. And the original video and article used Harley Quinn. Yes, the DC Comics. I gonna say superhero, but she’s a villain, I guess. But it was using this, the film with the person that plays Barbie as Harley Quinn.

as an example, and the way in which women in the media are depicted from the perspective of heterosexual men, making them very passive objects of like male desire, and this being the male gaze. And in this article and videos I saw, someone else went on to propose the fact that women in particular are taught from a young age to look at themselves through this same gaze. They look at themselves through this male gaze, they’re taught to do that. But then when they look at another woman, they see them through the female gaze.

Now, whether or not there is validity in these definitions, and I’m sure there is, from my own experience I can definitely see how this applies. Whether it’s individual or collective experience though, when we pit these two gazes against each other, you know, we’ve remained in this objectified and heteronormative state. And even though these videos, they encouraged me to reflect on the decisions I’ve made over the years when it comes to clothing.

they encouraged me to ask myself, who am I getting dressed for? You know, when I get dressed, who is it for? All I’ve got when I think about this is that Taylor Swift song in my head. Dressing for revenge. But like also why? Why do I choose certain colors? Why am I choosing certain silhouettes? And again, it comes back down to…

Am I buying or choosing these things because I like them? Or is it because I’m trying to fit in? Right, is it because I’m trying to fit into a stereotypical socially acceptable beauty standard?

So this really challenged me to think differently about not just my wardrobe, but my motive and intention behind the clothes I would buy, behind the ways in which I would spend my money or get dressed. When I was 16, having just finished high school and started my A levels, I experienced a great loss when my father passed away. He had been ill, but not really sick, if that makes sense, at least not in my eyes. And

I had a wonderful relationship with him, at least as much as you can do when you’re 16 and you’re his only child and a teenager who just discovered boys and had a very slightly rebellious streak. But the reason I mention this is because it was a really defining moment in my life, unsurprisingly. I was just starting to kind of figure out myself, learning who I am, my passions, including fashion design. And suddenly everything turned on its head.

So many things just no longer mattered. And for years I was lost without really knowing it. When I quit my A -levels and moved on to study fashion design and art history, I did this because I suddenly realized I didn’t have to conform to what I thought was expected of me in terms of my education. I didn’t have to go to university. I didn’t have to study psychology even though I’m still

hugely interested in it, but I didn’t have to study that, I could do something more creative. And so I left my A levels behind, went to college, and started studying fashion design and art history. And this was something I truly, truly loved and still love to this day. I never lost that. But being a plus -size person meant it was still felt, it still felt really unattainable. I was deep, deep in my Carrie Bradshaw, Sex and the City phase.

and I would scour thrish thrish the Earth.

And I would scour thrift stores and secondhand shops for what the kids would now call dupes of Patricia Field’s work on that show. I would really try to look for outfits that I could put together. And what’s really funny looking back is like, I was probably like a size 16 or 18 at that time. And so essentially I was doing the whole like, I saw this on Pinterest, let’s make it fat or make it plus size. I was doing that back then.

but I couldn’t share it with people online. And I loved that, I had so much fun. look, 20 years later, I now own a pink tutu style skirt. So look, I’m just saying, I have a Carrie Bradshaw -esque skirt now. But that was really for me a turning point. I loved that time, that clothing, the styling, I loved what I was doing.

But it just got really lost. Got lost in being told that.

being creative, wanting to run my own business, because I wanted to run my own business way back then. Those things felt so unrealistic. And not just because I was young, but also because we didn’t have social media then, we didn’t barely had internet shopping. So at that time, the idea of starting my own business felt crazy wild. And fast forwarding to sort of since 2019, I’ve been slowly finding myself again and not in like some woo woo love and light way.

But more like, we already believed the lies about who I’m supposed to be and how I’m supposed to look in this world. And it was funny because my mum and I were shopping, I’m pretty sure it was my birthday in early 2020, and she commented that I was buying things that I’d loved as a teenager. And without realizing it, I was reclaiming these passions that I had lost during that grief.

little things like my love of astrology or the moon or tarot and creativity like these are things i’ve always really enjoyed and been really interested in

I’ve always been interested in true crime and things like that, but again, a lot of these pieces just got lost along the way.

And my wardrobe has been a wonderful and I guess slightly challenging part of this journey, especially as my body and the relationship I have with it has changed so, so much in the last five years. I mean, as my body has changed, have my thoughts and feelings around femininity. And there are times when I don’t feel like stereotypically feminine, which is absolutely fine. And the past…

I think I’ve tried to control this through clothing and hair and makeup.

But I’ve started to question what femininity even really means to me, because I don’t believe it’s a feeling, and if it’s not a feeling, then what is it that I’m trying to feel? You know? What is it that I’m trying to feel, because if that’s not actually something I can feel, you know, is it belonging, is it fitting in? Self -expression, a desire to be left alone or avoid attention? Like these are things I ask myself because…

I realised that no matter what size my body has been, I’ve never fit in to socially acceptable beauty standards. No matter what size my body has been, I have never fit in to socially acceptable beauty standards. I’ve never felt like I fit.

And not just physically, right, mentally as well. And I spent most of my life trying to take up less space in every way. And now I’m just learning to not.

And now I’m learning to love not fitting in, you know? Which, funnily enough, to come full circle, is a piece of advice that my dad gave me when I was much younger. I was probably about 10 or 11. I won’t get into the whole story, but there were some neon orange trainers involved. And I remember he told me not to follow fashion trends, but to create them for myself. And…

I do love fashion trends. There are some trends that I can definitely get on board with. And I definitely tend to hold on to those things for far longer than one season. I think that’s also always been something about the way I see fashion and the way I love fashion is like, I know there are trends, but once I find something that I love, something that works for me, I just hold on to it. And this year I’ve been leaning more towards fun clothing.

And don’t just mean, I don’t know how to explain that. You can definitely check out my social media feeds this week because I’m going to share a number of videos. I’m going to share some things I’ve recently purchased. But I like I’m reclaiming the color black from my younger years, you know, being told that I should wear black because it’s slimming. Now I’m like, fuck you, I like black because it’s black.

But I’m trying to embrace.

piecing things together, right? I’m trying to sell clothing that I no longer wear, things that don’t fit into my wardrobe, things that don’t fit me or don’t fit me in the way I wanted them to, or expected them to, or maybe, you know, my body has just changed and that is okay, and so I’m selling pieces online so that other people can get love from them. And also I’m trying to thrift those pieces, like online I’ve done a lot of thrifting this summer for… I’ve done some summer clothes but a lot of autumn winter stuff.

and I want to save space for those unique things as well, whether it’s like a handbag or jewelry, things like that.

and reclaiming?

You know, reclaiming a passion for fashion design and clothing, it’s not just about what I put on my body. I know that it’s just a part of who I am and how I want to express myself. You know, whether I am, like this week, my period was perioding and the most I wanted to do was a horror t -shirt and some comfy sweatpants because I was uncomfortable. And so I just needed to feel, I just needed to feel calm and safe. Or, you know,

whether I want to do a fully styled outfit, the self -expression doesn’t have to be bright and bold, it can be subtle and it can be in the details and it can be very much an individual experience. It’s about how we feel ourselves than necessarily what we’re stating or putting out into the world. It’s not necessarily about what the world perceives us to be. I think self -expression is very much about ourselves and

That’s why I really want to, if there’s one thing you take away from today’s episode, I want it to be that when we choose pieces of clothing, if that is something that you’re even bothered by, when we get dressed, when we put together outfits, it should be about what we want and not about what the world sees us. And look, as a fat person, I’m like, that isn’t always easy because I’m already in that weird paradoxical state of the hyper visible and hyper invisible people.

can both see me because I take up physical space and also choose to ignore me because I am in a larger body. So I understand that that is really hard because there are times when I wear certain outfits and I feel incredible and then I go out in public in it and the experience I have can be so vastly different.

I have a whole heap of mantras that I’ve been telling myself this summer, I’m gonna share those over on socials this week as well. And it’s not, I’m not saying it’s foolproof, I’m trying. But yeah.

So I create a highlight on my Instagram profile labeled plus size small biz. And as I find small businesses who cater to plus sizes, I will keep adding to it. But let me finish today’s episode with this. I know there is a lot of conversation about things like fast fashion, and I don’t disagree that it would be so wonderful to only wear sustainable clothes from small businesses. However,

When we are already so limited by choice and companies continue to make it difficult, in some cases impossible, for plus -size folks to shop with them, I don’t believe that we should feel guilty for finding things that work for us and our bodies.